Tuesday, September 26, 2006

You're Right...

No one said friendship was easy. But you know what is? Plouf. Little gay french sailor waiters who wear stripey shirts and kerchiefs basically make everything better. So let's go there, my friend, and make it all better.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Nobody ever said friendship was easy. But you know what they did say? It's sure worth working at. Because life is tough. There's alot of hard knocks out there, and trust me buddy, I've felt 'em. But there's nothing like being knocked down and picked back up again...by a good friend.


Why? Because I said so, and if you ask me any more questions I'll make this lizard dance the samba. On your face.

SJ is a Stupid Monkey Whore.

Ask her why. OK - I'll tell you. It's because she LIES to people. People including her best friends. LIAR!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Get Excited San Francisco - Because Here I Come!

Oh baby! I'm coming out to the City by the Bay next week and you know what that means? Yeah, I don't really know either. All I know is that I'm staying at the sweet Hilton in the Financial District in a suite with two double beds, and *FREE* all American breakfast for deux every single god damn morning. Me and my packable, travelable midget will be well looked after. He usually works up quite an appetite after practicing his moves.

Monday, September 18, 2006


How much is a cobbler supposed to charge? I just took in two pairs of shoes to get re-soled and re-heeled (my tan Michael Kors with the tortoise shell heel and my sling back Michael Kors with the leather tip. I know you wanted to know, but were afraid to ask). Anyhow, guess how much it cost me? Just GUESS. $93.00. Is that normal? Because I think it's insane. But I guess that would make me insane because I paid it. Stupid cobblers. Although. $93.00 for two pairs of shoes. Hmmm. Maybe I'm in the wrong profession...

Friday, September 15, 2006

Blogging 101.

As told (over IM) by SJ and CK.

Photo Credit: That's SJ pictured above providing commentary on the latest cutting edge forays in the blogosphere. Check out some of her tips of the trade below.

SJ: i have to fix annies comment
SJ: the stupid ho bag
SJ: wrote out annie b.s whole name
SJ: what was she born yesterday?
CK: yeah - she is a ho bag
CK: you go fix that comment
SJ: im trying!
SJ: i mean really
SJ: rule 1
SJ: dont put the whole name
SJ: esp when she doesn't know us
SJ: and is already scared to death of me
CK: and probably googles herself because she is bored at work
CK: and then finds this blog
CK: by us
CK: talking about her and craps herself
SJ: hahahah
SJ: poor kid
SJ: i'm going to kill annie
CK: just feed her some spinach
CK: that should take care of it
SJ: im going to have to delete that post!
CK: ok delete it
SJ: i found how to delete comments
CK: go for it. it wasnt that funny anyhow
SJ: that reyard
SJ: and by reyard
SJ: i mean retard
and this is what it looked like:

sj: i could see myself having a nightmare
that i was strapped to a chair
being beaten
and forced to wear these boots
while eating someones throw up

ck: what would you wear with them?

sj: i'd wear my SHAME
if i ever had to put those on, i'd die
like violently
and bawling crying
beating the ground
saying WHY

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Why I Don't Miss Annie.

1) Because she sends weird emails about frogs and time and flies.
2) Because she went to Mexico and didn't invite me.
3) And when she was in Mexico, I had to be her back-up.
4) Because she didn't let SJ and I go to that party at 4am one night when I had a flight the next morning at 6am. Who does she think she is?
5) Because I met Annie B. and I like her a lot more.
Today I am Angry.

Why? Well, there are several reasons.

1) All my forwarded mail from SF has either been parking tickets, jury summons, credit card bills or more parking tickets. And that's just not fair.
2) I have to sell my car.
3) I really want everything from here: http://www.bcbg.com and here: http://www.bananarepublic.com/browse/division.do?cid=13358 and here: http://www.traderjoes.com/. But I can't afford any of it because NYC is so goddamn expensive.
4) I 'm portly and so ballet flats don't look good on me.
5) I miss SJ.

I hate the Weds blues.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

CK's nasty.

I'm getting wasted tomorrow.


I Thought I Knew You.

SJ just told me she is eating a salad for lunch. That's right, a s-a-l-a-d. Do you know how many calories are in those things?! NONE. And it is loaded with absolutely no sugar whatsoever and lots of fresh green crunchy things instead. It's so healthy - it basically makes me sick. Actually, SJ, you make me sick. I thought I knew you. Perv.

Health Hazards of Pasty White Sugar - There's No Such Thing.

Folks, there are NO health hazards to pasty white sugar. Not a single one. None. Nada. Zip. Cavities you say? Made up. Obesity? Um, total lie. Hyperactivity? Puh-lease. There is nothing better in the world for you than PWS. Dentists, doctors and pirates just don't want to tell you that. Why? HELLO. They want it all for themselves. Do you think if this red-headed rascal to my left had a real taste of PWS instead of those nuts and banana chips she's been nibbling on that she'd be sitting there smiling all content with a bowl of jello? Hells no. That little tart would be on the floor kicking and screaming, throwing some of those pots and pans around, ripping a part that kitchen just BEGGING for another taste.

Because as the ladies and Scott Massage know, there ain't nothing like a taste of PWS. Mmm Mmm. Nothing.
Big props to the Kawaga University Rare Sugar Research Center, who are doing some GROUNDBREAKING research into rare white sugar, including the beloved pasty white. http://rare-sugar.com/index1e.html

Guess I know where my next vacation will be!!! I don't even want to think of that labratory right now - but I did write volunteering myself as a test subject. Whatever they have, I'll gladly handle. You know what I mean.

If you want to look into their latest research report, check this out - not for the faint of heart! Oooo doggie! http://rare-sugar.com/7.pdf
A trusted colleague pointed out that defining "pasty white sugar" might be in order, to fix any confusion there might be out there. Let's start with what it ISN'T:

- Pasty white sugar is NOT a drug, even though it can make you feel VERY good.
- Pasty white sugar isn't your run of the mill white sugar. It's unique. It's bicoastal. It's complicated. It's one of a kind.

So, what IS pasty white sugar? Oh, that's simple. It's the stuff dreams are made of.

Today SJ accidentally sent an email to a colleague that lives in the UK. Neither one of us know her. But I think she'd like to know us. Especially after receiving an email of me in a bunny suit shovelling some gorgeous pasty white sugar.