Turning a new leaf: Watch how it's done (you idiot)

In case you haven't noticed, Grandpa, it's 2008. The year of the rat and - as such, a great time for me to turn over a new leaf. Instead of my incredible (and deserved) confidence and bravado (whatever that means - I think it has something to do with grey tshirts/boxers), I'm hitting a new note: MODESTY.

Why? Well, I have no f'ing idea, but I don't need to answer questions I don't like, so moving on:

I suck.

No, seriously I do. Here's a few proof points:

- I sent an email to a client today, well actually, FOUR clients, that was signed: "Let me know if you'd rather hump on the phone. Happy to." Isn't that awesome? No it isn't you asshole.

- I have a bum wheel. My knee is totally screwed up and I walk around like a limping freak. The best is when I go downstairs. Plus, I complain about it incessantly, which makes me wicked annoying.

- I almost fell asleep in a meeting. Twice.

- Plus, I have trouble doing math. ALWAYS have. I can't even do 20% tips at restaurants. I sit there and stare at the receipt REALLY hard, for upwards of 9.5 minutes, and sometimes I start to drool. Then I get really upset about it and freak out. It's really cool!

- I forget to eat alot. Then I act like a labotomy patient and when reminded I need to eat, usually say, "No I don't." And act like a jerk. Then, I eat and in 10 minutes say, "Wow! I did need to eat."

- My hair looks like a pile of rats live in it, not every day, but at least 2 times a month. It's super sexy and it makes people around me want to spend lots of time with me.

So - I'll come up with more reasons soon - but I think that's a good start.

Oh, and the moral of this little tale? Why would anyone be friends with me! So, think about THAT! (CK this is directed at you, I'm trying to cut you down).