Turning a new leaf: Watch how it's done (you idiot)

In case you haven't noticed, Grandpa, it's 2008. The year of the rat and - as such, a great time for me to turn over a new leaf. Instead of my incredible (and deserved) confidence and bravado (whatever that means - I think it has something to do with grey tshirts/boxers), I'm hitting a new note: MODESTY.

Why? Well, I have no f'ing idea, but I don't need to answer questions I don't like, so moving on:

I suck.

No, seriously I do. Here's a few proof points:

- I sent an email to a client today, well actually, FOUR clients, that was signed: "Let me know if you'd rather hump on the phone. Happy to." Isn't that awesome? No it isn't you asshole.

- I have a bum wheel. My knee is totally screwed up and I walk around like a limping freak. The best is when I go downstairs. Plus, I complain about it incessantly, which makes me wicked annoying.

- I almost fell asleep in a meeting. Twice.

- Plus, I have trouble doing math. ALWAYS have. I can't even do 20% tips at restaurants. I sit there and stare at the receipt REALLY hard, for upwards of 9.5 minutes, and sometimes I start to drool. Then I get really upset about it and freak out. It's really cool!

- I forget to eat alot. Then I act like a labotomy patient and when reminded I need to eat, usually say, "No I don't." And act like a jerk. Then, I eat and in 10 minutes say, "Wow! I did need to eat."

- My hair looks like a pile of rats live in it, not every day, but at least 2 times a month. It's super sexy and it makes people around me want to spend lots of time with me.

So - I'll come up with more reasons soon - but I think that's a good start.

Oh, and the moral of this little tale? Why would anyone be friends with me! So, think about THAT! (CK this is directed at you, I'm trying to cut you down).

Man, I'm bored of SJ already. I mean this blog.

So, I get a lot of reader questions two of which that keep cropping up again and again: "CK, what do you do all day?" - and - "Why did you decide to once again add meaning to my life and resurrect PWS?" And man, I have to say, those are GOOD questions. Two real stumpers if you ask me - and well, you did! Let me take a stab at these:

One thing I do is IM with SJ a lot. A few of you know that we've been separated for over a year now. It was really hard at first, but we had to do it to for the kids. We have 8. Angelina and Brad have nothing on us. And by 8 kids, I actually mean breath mints. It's pretty much the same thing. Give or take. Anyhoo, we IM and sometimes we talk on the phone and pretend it's a conference call but it's really not (Far left: SJ on the phone. Chatterbox!). We're just gabbing about our weekend or what we're going to eat for lunch or who looks cuter today (usually me). Other times I shop on-line and sometimes I like to look like I'm reading the paper, but I'm actually resting my eyes. They get SUPER tired sometimes!

Right now things are pretty busy though. SJ and I have been put in charge of a pretty sweet assignment. Not sure who assigned us that project (and together!) but man! I don't want to say they were sleeping at the wheel, but they were sleeping at the wheel, right??? Yeah, so we have a lot of free time on our hand so decided to start up PWS again. It's as simple as that my friends. 1,2,3 = P,W,S.

Now who wants to get me a hot dog? Mama's hungry.

Don't Call it a Comeback (Because let's be honest, we'll probably get bored again and stop writing after 3 posts)

OK, let's see who's paying attention here because just like any good celebrity, or not so good (Gary Busey I'm talking to you), we're on the comeback tour. Let me break it down for you. That means we're going to be bigger (I just ate a slice of pizza AND a panini. OK and some leftover apple turnover things I found in the communal fridge); better (I'm taking lanyard making classes at the Y. Advanced Lanyard Making. Ahem) and my bitches, we're going to be BRINGING IT even harder than before! That's right. The Register has NUTTIN on us! Gawker move the F over. ValleyWag - well no one reads you anways so you don't really count.

So all I can say loyal readers (Sean M. we know you check weekly) is buckle up because baby, we're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccccccccccck!

The Dinner Party

Well hello there. It's been awhile, hasn't it? And you know why? BECAUSE I GOT A LIFE! AND A BOYFRIEND! AND I WON THE LOTTERY! OK, I didn't. I just drank too much and had to go into rehab. But the good news is I got to meet Brit and we now have matching haircuts. Holla!

So, in the spirit of kicking things off, what better way than with a certifiably enjoyable "Moo" email?!?!?! I bounced it off SJ and let's just say she was lovin' it like a big old lady loves some hot biscuits slathered in butter and jam and bacon. But first, I need to provide some background for clarity purposes: The CK clan had a doozy of a dinner party last night - the first "real" entertaining they've done since they moved digs. Needless to say, it was an event to remember (see picture above; that's Dan is on the right). But I think it's best to let my Moo explain just how much fun they had... And yes, this is a REAL email and I didn't change a word (except a few names to protect the innocent)

#

Well, your Dad was quite happy with the dinner party. It felt like more of a celebration than a cultivation. I REALLY REALLY like Connie and Dan and think we could become good friends with them. They are very natural and down to earth.

Teresa of course saved the day! It would have been havoc without her help…..and your MaMa had too much wine too. I had about 3 glasses of Schraumsburg during cocktails. Ed had shipped 9 gorgeous wines for the dinner. I must say that I have NEVER had such equisite wines in my life. I'm not much of a white wine drinker,..but may I say OHMYGOD! WOW! We had an amazing wine with the Coquille St. Jacques. (It turned out that Connie cannot eat shell fish. Fortunately, I had fixed a double order of pheasants for someone who couldn't eat meat…and was able to substitute pheasant…which Teresa said delighted and surprised her immensely. For some reason, everyone loved the crudite (Boston lettuce) w/that vilnegrette I make.

Then the PROBLEM…I didn't tell your Dad…its our SECRET. The Tenderloin was supposed to bake at a very high heat 450 F for no more than 30 minutes. Well Herman bought a new digital thermometer that didn't appear to be working to me. The meat was in there close to 50 minutes..and I was afraid it was going to over cook so I took it out to rest while we had the Coquilles. OOOOOOPS! I then started slicing the tenderloin and got to the middle and it was RAW, not rare raw, but raw. It was too late…I had to serve. So I told Teresa to brush the raw ones with Kitchen Bouquet (that brown stuff) to cover it up.( I told her to make sure she gave us the cooked slices though! ) Everyone was so into the wine, that no one seemed to notice. I was just praying that no one would get ecoli! Inthemeantime, the asperges got overcooked, and I was getting quite tipsy. Again….Thank God for Teresa who served the plates. The red wines were simply amazing. Everyone really seemed to enjoy the twice baked potatos too.

Then the real FUN! I served profiteroles with a choice of warm rum mincemeat or berries. We needed to make more whipped cream. I got the carton out of the frig and bent down to get the mixer. Then I notice all this white liquid all over my lower cupboard and pans. I said what the devil is this white stuff? Teresa took me by the shoulders. Looked at me authoritatively and said YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN NOW! Listen to ME. You need to go and SIT DOWN! Then I bent over to pick up something and she said, I really know your in trouble. You drooled on me!

So I went back to the table.

Then Dan served a 37 year old Port. I served that lovely Maytag blue cheese with it. What an absolutely sensational combination.

After everyone left, your Dad just took himself to bed.

I had a hang over…still do. I've had 4 cups of coffee already. :)

Love MOOO

Jesus Walks
And Poses in a 2L Leather Jacket


When I opened up this week's Fortune, I fainted. For real. Then I woke up. Looked at Fortune again and fainted a-gain. So I'm taking a break from looking at Fortune because there's a nasty bruise forming on my forehead and I think I popped a blood vessel in my eye but that's besides the point. The point is there is a full page spread of The Phillip Rossedale in a leather jacket wearing True Religion jeans. SO HOT. Oh man. Did someone just turn up the thermostat? Phew. But guys, it gets even better. I know, right? HOW could it get better. Well basically because it's Christmas, my birthday, Easter and the Second Coming all wrapped up with one beautiful bow and a cherry on top: there is also a picture of his avatar. In chaps. Dammit. I just fainted again.



This one's going into the private collection if you know what I mean.

We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!



Happy New year dummies! I'm sure we've been missed, but when you learn the reasons for our absence, it will all make sense. Short story: we've been working. Hard. CK was pitching in on some really innovative technology over the break (hint: it was BIG news yesterday...) and me? I've been doing this. Non-stop.

Brilliance like ours doesn't come easy, but it is here. And it's not going anywhere. Happy 2007!

Ho! Ho! Ho! Succaaaaaaaaaas




So, due to popular demand, PWS has finally caved in and agreed to give you all a taste of that sweet, sweet sugar you crave - our incredible writing talents and superior wit - before we close out the year that was 2006. Since SJ is living it up in Europa, doing god knows what(actually, I have a pretty good idea...) that leaves me, CK-extraordinaire, to give you a dose of that PWS action you've been missing.

Let's see, where do I start? How about the things I am grateful for in 2006 shall I? OK. Let's do this.

1) Leopard Pendants: Some people hate, I say hot. Here's to the fashion trend of '06 huge gold, growling leopard pendants and black turtlenecks. A true classic - one I just can't see fading.
2) Stef O. and Kristin M.: In with the new, out with the old. Or in this case in with THE MAVERICK and out with Molsen. To two bad ass mother fuckers that make me smile, wince, cry a little every single goddamn day. Especially when you badger me day in and day out to post. WELL HERE IT IS! HAPPY NOW? (Love you)
3) Margaritas: Self-explanatory. Although I think 2007 may be the year of the Sidecar.
4) YOU - OK, it's a rip-off from Time Magazine, but honestly? Where would SJ and I be if it wasn't for all of our loyal PWS readers? We'd probably be promoted or have gotten a raise or maybe I would have a boyfriend because we would have been concentrating on our jobs and our social lives instead of you freaks. But that's all relative.
5) and what's the number one thing I'm grateful for? OK, technically it's #5 but I had to get some anticipation going - why SJ, of course. Duh. Why? BECAUSE IM OBSESSED WITH HER. Not in a crazy, weird way but just I really like her and think about her pretty much every single minute type of way. SJ - I love you. Why don't you return my calls? Or my faxes?

Awkward...

OK, Happy Holidays my friends - Looking forward to many more postings and 2L extravaganzas in 2007!

Holla!

SJ & CK

One More for the Road...

And just because we've been really bad about posting, here's a bonus round! This one is from my very own - Enjoy!

#


Hi Sweetheart -

Sorry to bother you while you're so busy, but I need your fashion advice.

As you know I WAS going to wear that Peggy Jennings dress that I got last year, to the Christmas Ball on Sat. HOWEVER, your Mom has been eating candy and chocolates almost nightly since Halloween…. I tried on that dress about 3 weeks ago and it fit better than ever. BUT then I tried it on again and it is really REALLY snug in the middle. The hips and legs are fine…but my middle has thickened up! I'm so mad at myself.

So I ran out and bought another dress last night. It is also a Peggy Jennings marked down from $1,375 to $260. This one is a flat black cocktail dress with a halter design. The back is bare to just below the wings in the back. So its not really low, but does show my upper back, shoulders and a bit of neckline.

So, do you think I should buy something else or what? Also, can I wear shiny black satin shoes with a flat black dress?

Love MOO

We're Back With What We Do BEST (no it's not drinking or being really ridiculously fun - although it could be)

Hello again PastyWhiteSugar readers far and wide! And by far and wide I mean the girl sitting across from me (Hi Kristin!). Apologies for the lack of postings these past 2 weeks. I know it's hard to believe, but SJ and I were REALLY busy. Really busy slacking off - ha! Anyhow, on that note, while we're getting back into the swing of things, we've enlisted a regular PWS guest blogger - Diane - to share some of her very best Mom emails. We know you guys just can't get enough!

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Subject: Shrimp

Dearest Di,

I heard through the New York mother grapevine some bad Shrimp or fish is going around NY.
Soooooo please eat other things, such as meat and chicken and pork(very well done)!!!!
I don't know, but be careful. IBe aware.

----Your, cousin Audrey got food poisoning last weekend and some other symptoms of headache and eye trouble during the week??? (Grandma told me, Aunt Marlene told Grandma)

Hope you are enjoying the Blue dress. It was always one of my favorites and I'm so happy my daughter(my best friend, also) is enjoying it.

I love you more than you know,ma

#

Wait, Wait! What's this!?? It's BONUS TIME, BABY!

Two for one Friday, bitches! This next one's on the house.

Here's a question: Is this or is it not, my Dad? The one who paints Godzilla attacking half finished bridges, if you needed any more detail.

Another Guest Blogger Takes the Helm, Kiddies!

Because CK and I are lazy, or shall I say, busy making important big-money deals, we appreciate the intermittent post by a guest blogger. This time, we've got two. Two bunnies. Belle and Ferdinand, talking about everyone's favorite past-time, sex in 2nd Life. I know what YOU'RE doing this weekend! Gross, I just threw up in my mouth.

Anyhow, my fingers hurt from typing, so here it is:

Ok, so we might be bunnies but at least we can write coherently without excessive use of gangster rap and acronyms. Belle's ears stood UPRIGHT and Ferdinand could suddenly SEE out of both eyes when Gertrude Trotter received the following group notice from within Sadville:

Best Nude Av 7pmslt

Wild intentions will be having best nude av event tonight, come win some shopping money an showcase that sexy furry body, Your only chance to show your closet friends what they are missing out on, woot woot im biffo27 steele, jason barret or alis amdahl for tp cya there tell yo friends!!!

Here's a challenge Sadville Inhabitants - try writing your furry spam in English. That's a challenge from two bunnies.